So, if everything went like it was supposed to, you’ve totally got some totally awesome superpowers. But, hold up! Before you can go around busting heads and making a name for yourself, you’ve got to get some kind of secret identity! Do you really want the press beating on your door? Do you really want Mephisto erasing your marriage because you were a twit who listened to Tony Stark in douchebag mode and revealed your secret identity to the world and now you’ve got to undo it, IDIOT? Do you really want Perez Hilton drawing (what I hope is) drool on your photos? Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.

(1) Move to a major metropolitan area! If you stick around Smallville forever, people are going to figure out who you are the first time you decide to toss a grain silo like a football. It’s pretty clear that you’ve got to sever all ties with hometown folks (parents always excluded) and get your ass into a big city (preferably one named [Noun or Adjective] City. Or New York.) Check it out, not only will it be way easier to blend in, but that is where all the action is! Do any super villains ever really want to fuck up the lives of small town yokels? None. Unless you happen to be back home visiting your folks.

(2) Get a job in an inconspicuous field! Your job flipping burgers won’t last long once you get fitted for your sweet set of cape and tights. But where to turn? Have you thought about looking for a lucrative career in those fields that superheroes love: reporting, reporting, private investigation, or reporting? If the option presents itself, becoming a billionaire philanthropist is also a favorite (although if you had to splash yourself with chemicals for your powers, something tells me that might be out of the question).

(3) Figure out costume management! You pretty much have two options with this one. Either you can figure out how to get into and out of a super suit incredibly fucking fast or you can go around 24/7 wearing your full costume underneath button-up shirts and tear away basketball pants. My advice to you is this: stand in front of a mirror and practice changing a few hours a day until you can do it really fast without risking arrest for public indecency. If you managed to get super speed powers, this will be a snap. When it comes to the second option, well, Animal Man put it best. “Haven’t you heard about hygiene?”

(4) Start dating a co-worker! Look, I know that people are always telling you “don’t shit where you eat,” but you’re a superhero. You can shit anywhere you want! Plus, they don’t even have to know that you’re really a cape, they’ll still cover for you when your perpetually-angry-yet-forgiving boss gets murderously pissed that you’ve disappeared again (and again and again).

That’s pretty much it. You’ve more or less been successful at covering all the bases (along with your own ass). And, what to do if somebody figures out your secret identity? Don’t sweat it! Within five issues they’ll either be killed, institutionalized, or married to you anyways. Sweet!