Why do they even speak? In real life, one of them would be dead. Or boiling Archie's pet rabbit.

Archie comics have endured because they take those double digests and slap ‘em on those racks at the grocery stores next to those weird horoscope scrolls and the peanut butter cups. Rule #37 of the universe: If it is sold in the checkout line of a supermarket, kids will want to buy it. That and the fact that Archie & Pals are the Saved by the Bell of comics. Or Saved by the Bell was the Archie of TV. Whichever. The first comic book I ever bought was a Veronica solo title back in the early nineties; and it wasn’t one of the digests either. Twas a proper issue. If I dug through my mother’s garage or my garage I might even be able to find it. I think Betty and Veronica made competing fitness tapes in it? I can’t remember the plot, but I DO remember thinking Veronica was really mean.

Archie proposed to Veronica this week and people who haven’t picked up a comic in years are pissed. I’m not. Fuck Veronica. Fuck Archie and the jalopy he rode in on. Veronica is the worst frienemy a girl could have. She’s the girl who buys you Haagen Daas when you get dumped while texting the guy who just dumped you to ask him out. She’s a big two-faced spoiled rich girl twit who’s never had to really work a day in her life and she is the WORST friend EVER. Veronica’s such a bitch that she’s asking Betty to be her fucking maid of honor. Who ARE these people?

And Archie? Archie’s a twit too. Betty is the smart one. Betty is the interesting, stable, genuine, generally not psycho bitch of the two of them. And for whatever the fuck reason, she likes Archie. I’ve liked some guys who really didn’t deserve half a second of my time, a lot of smart girls have. It happens. But Archie is the guy who dumped her and started dating her frienemy, literally thousands of times. He is also a clumsy buffoonish ignorant stubborn selfish oaf. Why Betty ever schemed to get him back from Veronica over and over again, I will never understand. Seriously, anytime she gets around Archie, Betty goes from smart, clever, and awesome to raging lunatic in like .5 seconds. I don’t care how much you think you love him Betty! When a boy brings out the psycho in you, get the fuck out of there.

I’d rather date Jughead. I’m not kidding. Make him some chicken and he’ll love you forever and never leave you or drive you insane.

Archie’s a stupid dick. Veronica’s a lazy bitchling. They deserve each other. You know what Betty deserves?

She deserves to never have to look at those two again. She deserves to meet some hot dude with a PhD who owns horses or something. Let her live in New York and be awesome and smart. Also- she gets to keep Jughead, Midge, Dilton and all the not-shitty people in Riverdale. Archie, Veronica, and Reggie can all go to hell.

This thing is begging for a recap...

Fuck Archie and Veronica. I hope they get married and are miserable. I WANT them to get married. I want them to be a pair of miserable, mean, selfish brats. Oh wait, THEY ARE. I want horrid things to happen to them because they suck so hard.

Archie & Veronica: Staying Together for the Pre-Nup

I’ll buy that comic every month!